So, our heat is fixed now! Yay!! It's awesome to actually be warm in my house instead of having to basically sit on top of the heaters we had. I've also been trying to stay on top of my housework in preparation for my return to work in T minus 3 weeks. I'm so not happy about going back to work. I never thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom, and some days (like today when all of the babies are being totally unpleasant), I feel like there is no way I could do it BUT I'm going to miss my kids so so much. They'll be spending more time with Rachel than with me. What if Finn starts to get confused about his mama? Then, there's the financial aspect of going back to work. James doesn't really make enough for me to stay home and I carry our (awesome) health insurance. I feel like the solution would be for me to find another job, but then I worry that I'm going to burn a bridge at Medtronic and with my bosses, who have been amazing through all of this unexpected pregnancy, bedrest, and then not being protected by FMLA. Plus, I kinda like my job (most of the time), but is it worth it to be spending these formative years away from the boys for 10-11 hours a day? I've been putting James' resume out there quite a bit and we thought we almost had a job with the company my dad works for, but he was beaten out by one other, slightly more qualified person. It sucks, but I know that when it's supposed to work out, it will. I just wish I could give James that same hope. I just talked to him on the phone and he sounds so tired and beaten down- I want to be able to do more to help because I hate it when he's like that.

I'm Blessed

As I sit here with my children running amok around me, I tune out the messes scattered across my living room and I think about the blessings in my life. I'm not a very religious person as I still feel like I'm trying to figure things out. I do think that God has had a hand in my life and am thankful that even though I'm not always obedient to his word, he knows this is a temporary questioning of what I believe rather than a break from believing.

I'm blessed to be these boys' mama. How lucky am I to be entrusted to raise these three gorgeous boys? After numerous pregnancy complications and a few illnesses that have landed us in the hospital for days at a time, they're healthy and (usually) happy. I get to be the person that guides them through this amazing journey and while that scares the shit out of me, it also makes me happy that someone up there has given me that honor. And as my boys get older and eventually get bigger than their little mama, I will look back on these days crammed into this little bitty house with not very much money with three little babies and wonder why I wished these days away. My kids drive me a very good kind of crazy and I can't imagine life without each one of them in it (even if only Gavin was planned ;) )

I'm blessed to be traveling through life with James. What a wonderful, patient man he is for being able to deal with me. He works so hard and sometimes I'm so hard on him and I don't know why. We've had a bit of a tumultuous relationship in the past, but after he was faced with possibly losing Sean and I, he turned everything around and has become the best husband and father that I know. He's also my best friend. In a time where it seems like my friends have all drifted away due to my having babies and being married, whereas they're still partying and going to school. It's not that I don't still love most of those people, it's just that I don't care how wasted/stoned you got on Saturday night- I would rather talk about how great my pediatrician is. James has really stepped up and been there to listen to all of the nonsense things I need to talk about that my friends used to hear from me.

Don't get me wrong, I do still have some great friends. Jenny is definitely my girl best friend- I mean, she watched me give birth- there's not much more she doesn't know. And there are of course some things I can't tell James- like when I need someone to gripe about him to :) Ashley is still there, it's hard to believe we'll have been friends for 10 years in 2010...and she's still the person I would have help me hide a body. I know I can ask her for just about anything and the answer will be "yes" because she's still, after all the years, fights, and lack of being able to live in the same room together, my sister. I'm also slowly making some "mom" friends that have been a great support system. If you know me at all, you know I'm slow to make friends because I'm pretty painfully shy in situations where I know no one and I'm always scared that people don't like me (Thank you, self-esteem issues). It's taken me almost three years in this mom's group to finally feel comfortable calling some of these women my friends and I'm glad to finally be starting to get comfortable opening up to people. I'm blessed to have all of you women in my life.

I'm blessed to have the family I have. I'm going to tell all of you that my parents are amazing. They have never let us go without and have made sacrifices to make sure their kids are taken care of. Case in point- We've been without heat (or a/c) for a while due to our a/c unit completely breaking down and leaking all over, which ruined my floors and left me unable to use it at all. We haven't had the (almost) $3,000 to replace it, so we were waiting on our income tax refund to come in, but that won't be until February (at the earliest), so we have been trying to stay warm through little heaters and bundling under blankets and making sure the kids were in nice, warm sleepers. The temperature has been hanging around 65* in the living room, so we're not freezing to death, but it's chilly in here. My parents called us on Wednesday night and offered to pay to have the entire unit replaced as a Christmas gift. I was ready to cry because that takes a huge HUGE burden off of us because I was feeling like a failure as a mom because my kids are living in a cold house. I appreciate all these things that my parents have done for us- especially since we don't necessarily have that same help from the other side. So now, we can fix a few other things and catch up on a lot of bills that have fallen behind due to James' lowered income. I am blessed that my parents are also there to listen and talk to whenever I need them. They may share their opinions with us, but they are both a great sounding board whenever we just need to talk things out. My mom has also become one of my best friends, which I never thought would have happened. She garners a lot of respect from me for being such a hard worker and a great mom. I love you, Mom and Daddy.

I want to end this post by asking everyone to count their blessings as a few of the blogs that I read on a regular basis have reminded me that while financially we don't have a lot, emotionally and physically, my cup runneth over. Thank you, God, for giving me all these little blessings in my life and for continuing to bless me and my family.

Weight Watchers and whatnot

I'm really terrible about staying on top of this thing, but forgive me for tending to my children...most of the time at least. Every day I wake up and I swear that I'm going to update the blog and then someone needs a snack or I need to referee something or someone needs their butt wiped and it wouldn't be very motherly like of me to not do those things, right? :) Life has been business as usual in the Hayes household. Sean's still not interested in potty training, even after I've resorted to lots of bribing and he spends most of his day alternating between loving his brothers to death and trying to be Gavin's boss. I find myself repeating "Mommy is the boss!" multiple times throughout the day. I've always loved being the boss of things....I wonder where Sean gets that from? LOL.

One thing that is new in our house is that I've started Weight Watchers, and I've already fallen off the wagon super hard-core. I *want* to lose weight, it's just super hard having willpower when you have Christmas cookies to make and sitting in this house most of the time makes it difficult to resist the pull of the pantry. I'm trying to gather as many recipes that I can in the hopes that once the holidays are over and I'm back at work (WAH!!!), it will be easier to stay on track and I can go to the gym. I'm planning on trying to add some recipes to the blog so that I have them all in one place rather than searching all over hell's hot acre trying to find the exact recipe that I want. The one positive to my going back to work is that I shouldn't be able to not find an excuse to work out since the gym is on the MDT campus and I can work out before work or during lunch- I just have to save enough time to pump.

I loathe pumping, but I love being able to breastfeed my baby, so I'm going to keep it up. And this time there should be none of the stopping at 8 months due to losing supply because of a (VERY) unexpected pregnancy because James has officially been clipped :) The more I think about it, the happier I am with our decision because we have three gorgeous, healthy boys and I know I couldn't physically or emotionally handle another pregnancy (and bedrest) AND there's no way I could be able to afford to have a fourth child. The only thing I'm a little sad about is that it seems like all of my baby years are going to be over so quickly that I might not treasure things as much as I need to. I'm hoping that as my friends have babies, I'll be able to quench the inevitable baby fever that will occur and then I'll remind myself of all the sleepless nights I won't have to go through anymore and be thankful that I won't ever have to deal with that again. Alright, Gav is waking up- off to Mommy duty.